A guide to the World Cup

Since Canada is in the World Cup, it behooves me to explain the game to first-time watchers:

Soccer is played on a field that is 12 kilometres long. That's why a breakaway takes three hours.

From the kick-off, fans usually pass the time by singing songs and swaying because it takes 12 minutes for the ball to land.

The object of the game is to score by driving the ball into the opposing goal. In this respect, it is like hockey without the bloodshed. Since 90 percent of games end in 0-0 or 1-1, they are decided by a shoot-out (I think.) Each net is approximately the width of Russia so before each shot on goal the goalie must start running to one side at least 45 minutes before the kicker lines up.

You can use any part of your body but your hands, except the goalie because he has nothing to do. Skilled players can keep a ball aloft using just their earlobes.

Cheap shots are not allowed.

But dramatic acting is applauded. The player who does the best impression of someone writhing in pain from some brushing of shoulders gets a penalty shot.

The best players have gone on to lucrative careers in theatre.

A free kick is when defenders form a wall and protect their most important thing – their private parts and stand like duckpins in the way of a ball speeding at Mach 2.

Unlike in police states, soccer referees give out warning cards. The purpose is to collect the whole set and trade with your friends.

Soccer players only go by singular names like Ronaldo, Pele, Cher and Madonna so their governments can't track them down for unpaid income taxes. Soccer fans are serious about their game, in particular the English who are usually escape from maximum security prisons and insane asylums.

The World Cup is run by a governing body called FIFI (Federation of International Foosball Idiots.) Soccer was invented in mid-14th century France when a serf realized he could run away by pretending to kick a cantaloupe across the country.

There are three main positions: Strikers: Their task is to score goals. Since that is not going to happen, they usually just run around.

Defenders: Their job is to wait for the opposing strikers to enter their side of the landing strip. They pass the time by reading poetry, text messaging and picking flowers.

Unlike in police states, soccer referees give out warning cards.

Midfielders: They lurk in between strikers and defenders. Their job is to wait for the opposing strikers to spend most of their lives finessing the ball all the way to their side, then they take it away from the exhausted bloke and pooch kick it to their own strikers and the whole thing goes the other way.

Standard equipment is a shirt, shorts, sneakers and clean underwear - same as in barbequing only without the beer in your hand. Players are forbidden to carry anything that is dangerous to themselves or another player such as jewelry, watches, and sawed off shotguns. (Unlike barbequing.)

The maximum number of substitutes is three (I think) provided they have notes from their mothers.

The game is started with a toss of a coin. The winner of the toss has the choice of picking a side or being declared winner of the match and going home (I think.).

The referee is the official timekeeper and makes allowances for time lost through substitutions and players having to go to the bathroom. The referee signals the end of the match so if he has had a spat with his wife and doesn't want to go home, teams are told to bring food.

Have another day.